I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
