I am midnight drunk by noon
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
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you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
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I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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