My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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