I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
