made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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