i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
