You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
being pregnant is like rehab
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
