my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
