Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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