peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
