I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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