I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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