i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
