Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I understand Curling. That high.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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