"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
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elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
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She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
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