I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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