Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
