were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
