it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
