What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
