i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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