i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
