What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
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If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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