Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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