you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
