oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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