Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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