hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
