Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
