I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
