Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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