So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
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Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
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DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
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