If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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