My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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