a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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