Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
And then he peed in my hair
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