So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
