Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
