my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
