i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
