This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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