Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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