I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
