Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
