I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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