I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
