My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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