my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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