The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
