Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
