We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
