I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
