Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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